HOW TO: Dress for Fall

Dear Raquel,

I need some help updating my fall wardrobe now that summer’s over and stores are open again. HALP!

Signed,

Fashionably Challenged

Dear Fashionably Challenged,

You’re my kind of people! I may have said this in another post but I have the face for radio and the body for fall and I (unpopular opinion alert) HATE summer. Now is my time to really get to dressin’!! Too bad the gaping hole in the ozone layer is keeping things way hotter, way longer than I would personally like, but I have turned it all over to G-O-D — and in Him — I trust I will be able to wear one of my 36 statement coats very, very soon.

So while we sweat into late September let me give you the tools you need to be ready for when the leaves start to turn and the air gets brisk. Retail is OPEN FOR BUSINESS, so you can mask up and get yourself some new clothes just in time for a fourth wave. Below are my HOT TIPS for optimal autumnal style, all I ask is that you read this while choking down something pumpkin spice flavoured.

Neutral Shades

Years ago I caught an episode of MTV’s The City and was so taken by Kelly Cutrone’s stern, makeup-free face and loose, dark clothing that I thought to myself, how can I be her with blonde hair and a tan? And thus my personal uniform was born: long, black cloak-like dresses and shirts, flowy palazzo pants, floor sweeping kimonos and pointy shoes. I was serving up Wicked Witch of the West realness every day. For me, the more I looked like a newly widowed Nonna-in-Mourning, the better! But even a woman who dresses like the crypt keeper on purpose needs to switch things up every once in a while. That is why over the years I began to accumulate a healthy mix of brown, white and grey in my closet, too. The perfect Fall palette!

And for you, my friend, I’m thrilled to report that the colour “oatmeal heather” is back in a BIG WAY. You’ll remember this creamy, beige-ish hue if you ever stepped into an Aritzia back in the early 2010s. You know, back when you’d walk in and the employees would immediately rush over, demanding you handed over your purse so they could lock it up in a cubby while you browsed around. Actually, let’s spend a little time on the “lock up your purse” thing. The security wasn’t as tight in a literal airport but you basically had to provide photocopies of your SIN just to thumb the racks of wool TNA sweaters and tiny, bustier tank tops. As if it wasn’t punishment enough that in order to see what you tried on you had to waddle out of the change room and into the common area to get a quick look at yourself in the communal mirror. One too many times I cos-played “sausage stuffed back into its Babaton-branded casing” for the good people of Upper Canada Mall only to be met with an intense urge to spontaneously combust. *Sigh* Gen Z’s will never understand what it feels like to experience sudden onset diarrhea and have to maniacally ask for your bag to be let out of Aritzia BAG JAIL™ while you gird your loins in desperation. Good thing the Aritzia girlies walk FAST. And sure, maybe you shouldn’t have swallowed all that Manchu Wok beef broccoli WHOLE in the food court before coming here to try on Citizens of Humanity jeans you’d never be able to actually buy but that’s beside the point. And I know what you’re thinking, “uhmmmm ew, Raquel, did that happen to YOU?!” and the answer is absolutely not. I personally have NO IDEA what it feels like to almost shit my low rise, ripped-knee, acid wash Silver Jeans in a public place, I’m just trying to be relatable.

In summary: grab yourself some basics in a variety of neutral shades. Maybe a camel-coloured Sherpa jacket, I own this one and she’s a real staple for me. The texture is cute, too, kinda like you skinned alive your favourite teddy bear to make a coat. Don’t tell PETA.

Next Up: Footwear.

A good fall boot is as important as exercising your right to vote. I am a checkered Vans gal through and through but I do love the look of a quality, leather boot on a cooler day. Like the good women of my favourite store, Aritzia would say, “dress it down with a sneaker and dress it up with a cute boot heel, babe.” And THAT, my friends, is Gospel.

I own a pair of Chelsea boots and a pair of leather Doc Martens and oscillate between them both, although the Docs are my fave. When I first bought them years ago I felt very original but now it appears The Basics™ have swooped in and co-opted this functional, utility boot as their own. Myself included, I guess, except I’m not captioning my IG posts “It’s Wine O’Clock” in a floral dress at the vineyard and that has got to count for SOMETHING. I like pairing my beloved Docs with something a little more feminine, like a strappy slip dress, really channeling a look that says “date night” but also “could hop on the combat aircraft and get to work if duty called.”

For me, Chelsea boots are reserved for any time I wear a looser, wide leg jean or if I’m meeting up with someone who vividly remembers World War 2.

Last but not Least: Knits!

I make this joke a lot, and it would be funny if it weren’t the reality of my actual life: I own approximately 47 variations of the same black sweater. It’s why you might be reading this from the comfort of a home you actually own and I’m selling kidneys on the dark web to float the sweater buying habit that’s slowly but surely destroying my life. And you know what — bury me in my thousands of dollars of synthetic wool and polyester blend cardigans. Much like the Manchu Wok of my past, I want to be swallowed whole by the sweaters I wear. Except for gym clothes, there’s nothing else I feel better in. Turtlenecks! V-neck knits with huge, poorly sewn on buttons that cling on for dear life like the dry, bleached ends of my hair! Long cardigans that are so big they fall off my linebacker shoulders! Crewnecks that tuck effortlessly into my ankle cut Melina pants!

Oak + Fort has got the best knits in the game IMO — they’re reasonably priced, simple and cute. But I find they sell out fast so when you see something you like, don’t sleep!

Aaaand there you have it! Advice that not only helps YOU but also contributes to the capitalist hellscape that both fuels and depletes ME. Being alive is hard but buying stuff can make it feel a bit better. I believe the New Testament said that.